Last night I felt …just not right. All night I wrestled with anxiety and nightmares and half-waked uneasiness. Though the sun rose and showed me a new day, with promises of new mercy and beauty and grace, I couldn’t shake it.
As best I can describe it, it was like a spiritual hangover. * I still feel it**, sick, not quite awake, incapable of going back to sleep, except right now I’m listening to the Bible via The Austin Stone’s Bible Reading Plan. Even just hearing it somehow has the power to change me. I guess it’s part of that whole Holy and perfect thing.
Anyway, I was thinking about blogging, and the most applicable adjective I could think of was wretched.
And because of this discombobulation, I’m pretty well useless as a blogger right now, but I wanted to come and right while I’m getting over it, while I’m coming to the Lord to let Him heal me. Because friends, I want people to know, as we say around my church, that it is OKAY to not be okay. It’s okay to hurt and wonder and admit what’s going on, and most of all, it’s okay to come and sit at the feet of God and say, “I don’t like this, and I need your help.”
In early August, because of a lot of things, I began a 12 step program. I’ll tell you more about it later, just wanted to go ahead and put that out there. I’m broken and saved, not okay but recovering, I am His but I am here, and it’s okay to talk about these things. I am no less rejoicing and praising when crying on the floor than sitting in the pew, if my heart still trusts in the Lord.
*I’ve only ever once had a hangover. It was at church one morning, training for student leadership. Let me just tell you, a Long Island Iced Tea (or three) is no more made of tea than a 4 horsemen is made of horsemen.
**After listening to Isaiah 61-63 on loop, I feel much better, having been caused to look to the heavens, that my reason may return to me.