Sometimes I speak Spanglish. Mostly it is just the result of Spanish vowels creeping in to certain words (I say family a lot, and I say it weirdly). And mostly it is not on purpose. But for funsies, sometimes it is on purpose. Like when I call J, one of my bosses at the church, “Jefe,” the Spanish word for “boss.” Or when I say “garcias” for “thank you.” Yes, I know that thank you is actually “gracias,” but I like the idea of giving more than one Garcia in exchange for a favor done you. And I don’t know any Garcias, but the actor Andy Garcia is pretty cool…
All of this because I’ve been thinking a lot about thankfulness lately. Support is still coming in, bit by bit, not blowing my mind with volume but soothing my wicked soul with the reassurances of love and a Faithful, in-control Daddy in heaven, who is guiding my path and blessing every step. So I’m thankful for that.
And the super happy funland that is dating (not sarcasm but…still a joke) has me on my knees begging God everyday for a miracle. And you know what miracle he brings me, every time? THANKFULNESS. He doesn’t change my circumstance, he just gets my attention, directs my gaze back up to Him, and reminds me how good my circumstances actually are. So instead of C suddenly understanding me or things being easy or some vision of the master plan of what God is doing (cause from the outside, no one gets it. no one.), I am just overwhelmed with thankfulness for what I already have- a boyfriend with a huge, fun family and some mad guitar/romantic song writing skillz. I mean it’s not just those things, but every little thing.*
And all of this is sooooo gracious of God. But it’s not the extent of his grace. (As though I could ever comprehend the full extent of God’s anything. False. Holy Spirit does it, not me. I’d explode. Literally, i think. prghuhhh.) The next step of what He’s doing in all of this is reminding me how thankful i am not. See, i could say it’s not in my nature, but that’s pretty much just debatable theology. It’s not in any of our sin natures to be thankful, or anything other than children of wrath. But my new nature, the new person I am and new life I’ve been given in the Holy Spirit, has the gifts and fruits of the Spirit, so I am thankful in that sense.
What i mean is that all of us have predispositions, yes? You may be predisposed toward being loud, or quiet, a leader or a follower, calm or energetic. I am predisposed toward being wiggly, wigglier than i usually conceive, short-sighted, and worried.
worry, i think, is the OPPOSITE of thankfulness. It’s saying, “I see everything I have and it IS NOT enough.”
And that’s who I used to be, that’s who I am, outside of God. And I’m so thankful (irony?!) that He’s big and good enough to say, “Screw dispositions, I made you and I know who you really are.” What are you thankful for, right this moment?
Yes, i just attributed the word “screw” to God. Boooyah.