I told you yesterday that I would reward your fortitude of mind (in reading such a jumble of numbers – and did anyone notice that formatting was sorely missing in yesterday’s post?) by giving you a story. So here it is.
One of the biggest struggles I face in life is how tempted I often am to despair. The sunny happy girl you see smiling at you most of the time is who I really am. But when I hear bad news, there are SO MANY TIMES that my first, immediate reaction is that I feel the bottom drop out, think my world is crumbling, wonder why things are so hard.
And things ARE hard some times. When my parents are suffering from poor health- that’s hard. When my friends are desperately trying, and failing, to concieve- that’s hard. When I work so much that even the hours I have for sleep just don’t bring it- that’s hard.
But it’s NOT something over which to despair. There is only one situation in which the appropriate reaction is despair: if you are NOT loved and redeemed by the King of the Universe, and therefore brought into eternal light and life with Him. But since I AM all these things, despair is….melodramatic at best. Ugly rotten sin at worst.
So the other day, I’m sitting in a meeting with my ASI supervisor, going over some numbers. At that point I had $350/month in support coming in. (Which is nothing to sneeze at). But that’s the gross number, so divide by 1.3 (the multiplier that gets tax and admin taken care of) and you get $269. Divide by two (bimonthly paychecks) and I get $134.61 per paycheck.
In the world’s standards, that’s about $1.70 an hour. There is a reason I was told never to calculate my salary by the hour. 😉
Enter my face falling and the deep breath that immediately worried my supervisor. After an 80 hour week, I has really hoped to be able to cut back on some of my outside work. But with that number, I’m still scraping by WITH pay from my outside work (which also means thank you all so much for giving, because I literally COULD NOT make it without this help!)
For about 5 seconds, I was just SAD. Hurt. Upset. looking down, asking ‘why?’ on the inside.
Enter another deep breath, and my eyes rising. My God is Good. He is ALL good. He is ALL powerful. He is ALL knowing. And the REALLY encouraging thing is, He promises (and he NEVER breaks his promises) that EVERY SINGLE THING that happens, EVER,
IS FOR MY GOOD. So my little fit only lasted a few seconds. But it was long enough to remind me that without the Love of my life, i’d be a miserable little creature with no sense of reality.
As an update, God’s provision has show itself in many ways in the last few days. I’ve gotten a trickle of new supporters through the online system, and expect a few more from friends who just haven’t gotten around to it. I’ve also been given a LOT more work through the tutoring company. I almost turned up my nose at the opportunity, until a girl in class asked “How do you get so much work? I’ve been dying to find a job.” Shut down my almost-complaining with a quickness, and I was able to appreciate THAT God provides, and HOW. (Because sometimes, in a crazy world, thinking about feelings is too much, and teaching a 17 year old how to find the interior angles of a polygon is juuuuust right.) 😉