Or…I will quit!
This is my current battle cry. Said very resolutely. And…quietly. And not at all like anything related to Jerry Maguire (which of course I did not watch when I was very young because I was not raised by wolves…or maybe I did because I was. Very well-meaning, hilarious, hard working wolves. 😉
I should probably explain this better.
In the beginning (of planning this internship) was the staunch commitment that I WOULD NOT TAKE IT if it meant I had to keep other jobs. I felt very strong conviction that I was absolutely called to working at The Stone and to pursuing my master’s degree and that I could not pursue those calling with excellence if I had to work outside jobs. So I set about raising a full salary.
But when fundraising yeilded only about $350/month of the $1000/month I needed by August 31st, my contract start date, I thought (sorta. I foolishly didn’t put MUCH thought into it, uncharacteristic of me) that since I knew God would provide for me to chase after the dreams he called me to, and I didn’t see Him providing through fundraising, that must mean that he was providing by supplying me with work (and I need to secure the money by working). That’s a long sentence.
And I don’t mind working. I like working. I’m pretty good at working (read: i’m hyper and I like gold stars). I knew that I could keep up long work weeks as long as I made sure to protect my sleep. So i did. I stopped working and studying (even if I wasn’t “done”) with enough time to get 8 hours of sleep almost every night. I sacrificed fun and hanging out to protect my sleep. And then, almost every night, I tossed and turned and got about 4 hours of sleep. Maybe.
It wasn’t being tired that I minded. It wasn’t being sore that I minded. It wasn’t missing my social life that I minded (this one because I’m surrounded with people and attention no matter what- which is sorta key to what happened next).
IT IS BEING A JACKWAGON THAT I MIND. See, you get so little sleep for a while, and it starts showing. You start saying things you didn’t mean to say, meaning things you wouldn’t if you were more focused, and totally spacing out on people and things that are important. And when you’re surrounded by people, communicating constantly, and in charge of things…. well let’s just say I was a jackwaggon more than once to more than one person and they loved me enough to call me out on it.
One sweet sister said, “Have you considered saying no to something, even if it’s a source of income, to regain your sanity?”
No. no I had not because I am supposed to work hard for my God, am I not?
No, maybe I’m not. I mean I’m supposed to be WILLING to work my tail off. But only if he wants me to work my tail off. (No comments, please and thank you, on the Kardashian ness of my tail)But He hadn’t. In fact, He has specifically told me NOT to work my tail off, to only do school and internship. So why did I do more than that? Because I’m a dirty rotten sinner who got all caught up in being busy – so caught up that it took a month of bad sleep for me to FINALLY listen to what God had been telling me all along- that He wasn’t giving me the rest required for all these tasks because He didn’t want me doing them!
The moral of this story is threefold:
- I’m quitting all my outside jobs.
- So if you were thinking of supporting me, now would be the time. 🙂
- Thank you if you were one of those who loved me enough to TELL ME I needed to quit this insanity.
And something else, actually, that I’ll tell you thursday.