-Part of the Six-Months-Later Series- Written in June 2010
That title is rather dramatic.
But so is this feeling.
When C broke up with me, I didn’t just lose him. I lost his family.
C is in Tennessee right now. I know this because tonight, when his youngest sister ran into my arms, she greeted me with, “Chris is in Tennessee!”
Later, because her parents were helping tear down the service, and because I’m wrapped around her little finger (i didn’t very well protect myself from falling head over heals in love with C’s entire family, thinking they would some day be my own) I stayed and played with her until the family went home.
She drew this picture in my journal (the note on the left is from one of his other sisters). If you can’t read it, the note above is what she said to me when asking me to please please come over. “I loved seeing you at class. I love seeing you all the time, even when you come to our house. That’s you and me!”
I don’t know if I CAN go over to their house. I don’t know if I’m supposed to or if I’m allowed to love them. I don’t think I can. I mean… I don’t know if I, a broken, fallen, though redeemed creation, am CAPABLE of healing from C (“This is as forever as I can see.”) while still interacting with this family that I thought would someday be mine.
It hurts to talk to his mom, knowing that I can’t talk to her like I once could, like a daughter. Now I’m not. I’m her son’s ex girlfriend. And the friend of some of her other children, yes. But I know better than to push it when it comes to a woman’s first born.
I wonder if the kids know. By the kids, I mean all 6 of his siblings.
One has not acted in the slightest differently than he ever has around me. He is possibly the most consistent (and one of the funniest) 17 year old I’ve ever met.
One, the one to whom I am closest, she embodies such patience. She’s had the unfortunate luck of being around me during several breakdowns. And she just waits, patiently. She’s UBER aware of situations, ushering me out of uncomfortable ones and herself out of times when she thinks C and I may need to talk.
And another, who has more a visible gift of wisdom than anyone under 40 I’ve ever met, she just…comforts. And she’s honest. She’s never busy or silly(in the bad, john piper is against it, kind of way) or anything other than caring, loving, kind. I remember the week after C broke up with me, two of his siblings had birthday parties. I drove up to one to have her walk up to my car, stay by me, and just be for the duration of the party. Not to be nosy, not for any other reason than to just be there for me. She’s freaking 14.
I’m screaming at myself. Or something is screaming at me. How can i NOT have them? How this it worth it? How can it possibly be for my good to become so close to and then be torn away from them? I love them. I loved them before and I learned to love them so much more in those short months when C and I were together. HOW is this for my good? HOW is this for my best? What, that I learn to be distant, next time, should there be one? Many trials I can see exactly why it is for God’s glory and my good. This, i confess, is not one. I can only see this:
God’s promise is that this is in His plan, that he loves me and will use all things for my good, that HE is good. I cling to his promises as I look around and can cling to none else.